Just the start...

She screamed a loud, piercing never ending scream of no, not anguish but desire….! She laughed a laugh not unabashed, unaffected but hopeful and desperate and greatly pretentious. She cried a cry of not regret or distress but of need and despair enmeshed with foolish pride. But no one came to draw her out of her naïve trust in humanity. If your agony is real she had believed someone would eventually respond to it, if your need is strong someone will meet your wants she had innocently told herself….unaware that just as misery has no enemies, it doesn’t have any friendly takers either. The day passed in deciphering this strange response of those around her. She was curious to understand the reason behind her being shunned in this obvious manner unable to fully accept that if no one cared enough to respond; one would hardly offer reasons for doing so. The days that followed were wasted in a similar fashion. She woke up drowsy, disoriented and generally disturbed The night before she had decided to give up this lost search for recognition but the fire somewhere deep within her gut wasnt about to die down just yet. She opened the windows of her room, immediately bringing the sunshine in as if she was trying to illuminate her life itself. The windows hadnt been opened for a week. The light was a refreshing albeit expected change.  Four reasons to NOT hand over the reins of her life to PEOPLE'S ever changing wims and fancies she wrote with a shaking but sure hand in that tattered notebook which hadn't heard from her emotions in a long time..people who matter and who CARE- only 3 names came to mind and that angered and saddened her at the same time, disillusioned yet determined she rankled her brain for more names...None came to immediate memory. Alas! A sudden burst of realization hit her. As suri bhaiya had told her on that foggy afternoon  making such a lasting impact on her-  ( That day had arrived after days of  no  contact with the outside world and that one insignificant and still significant person's ramblings had affected her deeply, ignited her so to speak.) He hadnt spoken to her but spoken as if for her..He'd said id done nothing to hurt this man and yet he hates me so, id done nothing to deserve this, yet this is what i own, the cycle of need want deliverance ever so screwed up in my case why so? well if i knew the answer wouldnt the purpose of life to search for answers constantly be destroyed, to learn to fall to move on be defeated. There was a certain pleasure her SOLITRAY cofinement ws provididng her which she had till now failed to recognized as a deadly detriment to her ever esacping this abyss, this trap of her conscience. She was dwelling on the intrisics so hard that the most apparent cause of her state wasnt reachig her knowledge. She had grown to enjoy this pain she was inflicting on herself, the pain itself was in danger of assuming an identity of becoming an antidote (irony) for her misery. It appeared that she wished to suffer to enable thorugh study of the psyche of those whose minds resembled her own miserable being.  The light streaming in was now dulling with the passage of time.the conflation of her vulnerablity and pathetic musings was a deadly one. If importance would continue to be given to her state she would end up losing herself in the mental web of conflicting emotions and yet if it would be ignored the past would come back to haunt her.