Lone acts of kindness

While scanning my blog for the umpteenth time, I wondered whether I had anything new to say. As often happens to me, the realization that I didn't led me to an acute sense of frustration. At that precise moment, a close friend of mine and fellow blogger messaged me with the link for a blog which was 'asking' to be read for its touching content. In my state of low self esteem over my writer's block, I decided to skip viewing the same. At any other time, I would have been very curious to check out a blog recommended by Sheila, a writer I greatly admire and a friend who I unabashedly adore. But, well that was that. The next day as I was leaving for my internship with the same bad mood looming dangerously close being uncharacteristically late, I chanced upon a rare act of kindness. This act, small and perhaps insignificant on any other day is the inspiration for my current blog entry. Someone somewhere has rightly said that the human mind works in curious ways.

Often, I credit myself on having a sunny disposition and I’m rarely ruffled by much. Two things irk me the most- insensitivity and a lack of tact. That day, I noticed myself heavily lacking both, tact and sensitivity. The man driving me to work was in his early 20's, my age, appointed by my over- protective father to escort me everyday without fail to the office at a short distance by metro and a distance I could easily cover alone. But, well Dad's orders need to be followed and in no need for another round of arguments I had agreed on this minor adjustment. The man was usually quiet during the course of the 45 min's or so journey we took together and his lack of small talk capabilities/ incapacity for small talk suited me just fine. I liked making mental lists and fully rousing myself from the sleepy state I usually was in en-route to office, chitter chatter was therefore never a priority. That day, being an unusual day of sorts, 10 minutes into the journey and while waiting for the signal to change at the first crossing, the man whose name later revealed to be Madan began a conversation largely one sided. He never seemed to be in a particularly cheery mood but that very day he seemed not just happy but excited in a kid in a candy store kind of way. He said to me" didi aapko pata hai, aaj mujhe meri salary mili gayi  aur pehli baar boss ne chutti ke liye bhi haan kar di hai"  I nodded, as a vague acknowledgement of his declaration. He went on not having paid attention to my apparent lack of interest. " pehli cheez main shimla ka ticket book karaoonga, shimla mein vaise rehta nahin hoon main, shimla ke paas ek chota sa gaanv hai vahin merei mummy aur behen rehte hain, mahinon hogaye unse mile, ab is baar kuch hafte vahan thereonga" he looked at me from the rearview mirror perhaps expecting a congratulations or even a smile. He got none. I didn't consider my actions to be in anyway unkind, I was just in a bad mood or so I rationalized. He was unperturbed however and went on to describe the haseen vadiyan of his hometown and his sister who was about to get married et all. By then, my patience was reaching its limit and to make matters worse every signal we crossed on that generally traffic free route seemed to be red. I tried to keep my cool. " aapko pata hai mujhe itni yaad aati hai ghar ki kabhi kabhi,kam pe jaane ka bhi man nahin karta par phir soochta hoon ki nahin jaaonga toe bhi accha nahin hai aur fir aise kitne log hain jinke paas kuch khaane koe bhin nahin hota, jo itni kathinayion se guzarte hain, mere pas kam toe hai" he was about to complete his sob story when I was suddenly hit by the realization that I had forgotten to get the report which my internship supervisor had given to me for safekeeping and which was required that day in court. The meeting would start in less than half an hour, I had no time to go back and get it. “fuck, fuck, fuck yaar shit" i cried out. Madan visibly concerned, stopped midway in his monologue looked at me and said" kya hogaya madam" and then it happened " kya hogaya, kya hogaya, tumhe kya farak padhta hai yaar, chup ho jao bas, dimag kharab kar rakha hai, bolte ja rahe ho, mujhe nahin jaana kuch bhi idiot, asshole" a second after this unnecessary outburst I wished I'd  die right there, it wasn’t merely the fact that i had let myself down, someone who boasts of being someone 'who cares' but more so because Madan didn't react, didn't look angry, ashamed or even disappointed. He did however stop talking and I tried to calm my nerves while simultaneously thinking of excuses to feed to my boss. We finally reached the office, by which time id forgotten my distasteful behavior being more anxious about my impending fate, I was 15 minutes late for the meeting and didn't have the pre requisite report. the day passed just as I had imagined it would, my boss was very angry, humiliated me in front of other interns not completely without reason and I was not assigned any work the entire day. By the time madan came to pick me up for the return journey I was much subdued and on the verge of tears I eventually  did break into tears 10 minutes later, the entire day's happenings, my bad behavior, my lack of responsible-ness everything coming out in a torrent of sobs. I was mildly aware that there was another person in the car who could witness it all but was too tired to care. Madan who had been watching me cry quietly for some time finally looked back, a little hesitant perhaps framing his words or perhaps unsure whether he should initiate any conversation at all considering the day's past happenings. He however turned out to be the bigger person, gave me his hanky and said " madam, are yeh sab toe hota hi rahta hai, aap pareshan mat ho, kal se mein thoda jaldi aaonga, aap aaram se sab rakh ke aana, jaldi baazi mein hi aap bhool gaye hoge" the simple explanation for my blunder, the humility in his gesture considering I'd insulted him just hours back and the acknowledgement of a certain humane bond which made him care was just the dosage I needed. I smiled back at him, this time a proper smile, of kinship, of gratitude not the courtesy ridden one I’d worn in the past and asked him his name, not as a small talk initiative but since it was only proper that I thank the person from whom I’d heard the only kind words the entire day by name. And Madan, he was for the remaining days of my internship. We will not meet again I’m sure of that and I’m not the dramatic sort who believes that we made a difference in each other's lives. But I can say with a great degree of certainty that acts of kindness are as rare and lone as they come but in their exclusiveness and scant-ness lies their value. I thank Madan for making me realize how small I really am and how utterly naive, how I never valued the chance encounters, the small talks and the lessons that invariably follow them. I DO NOW. THANK YOU!